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I am Wonder-Full

Aug 27, 2020

I am wonder-full...filled with wonder. 

Have you ever woke from an incredibly vivid dream and when you begin to tell someone about it it begins to vanish and the harder you try to remember the quicker it vanishes? That is what is happening now as I sit to write about my experience of a 7-day fast from doing or consuming anything solely out of expectation or habit. A challenge that came up for me as I uncovered my greatest IPA. I did it. That, I do remember! 

Like the vague awareness of my dreams, I recall contrasting and fragmented moments from my fast and can still conjure the feelings that made up those moments. Early on in the week, Sara commented that I seemed a lot less stressed and happier. I noticed I was drinking more water, consuming less alcohol; I ate less and savored my food more because I made more conscious and flavorful food choices. I noticed I was using and consuming more essential oils. I didn’t go to every meeting scheduled on my calendar - some I just didn’t show up for while others I fulfilled my responsibilities with a written message and respectfully declined. I still called my dad every night, not because I should, but because I wanted to. I noticed my thoughts and how my heart felt when it was filled with gratitude. I paid attention to my “body talk”. I skillfully processed memories, self-sabotaging thoughts and limited beliefs that came up, took notes and promptly burned them after the processing was complete. Sara and I even made up a fun clearing ritual. I jobbed about the same amount of hours. I refrained from doing the mental calculation of how many jobbing hours I needed to clock to make the month. 

Even though I was diligent in honoring my fast, I still found myself aggressively jobbing and “clocking” hours because I feared not being able to make ends meet. When I realized I was taking action through fear and resistance, I stopped myself. When I felt pain in my body I stopped what I was doing and asked Sara to play her guitar for me instead. I fell asleep in the nurturing of it. I got my hair cut - first time since February. I fully acknowledged the presence of our animals when they nudged me or connected. I listened more. Cried hard. Moved my body. Felt the sun and saw the moon. Noticed nature. Showered longer. Slept when I was sleepy. Turned off all notifications and alarms. I read more, a lot more -- I consumed I AM THE WORD, by Paul Selig, a book I read back in 2014, but this time in rawness. One of my big ah-ha’s was understanding that being unattached to outcome and staying in the moment are by-products of acclimating to a higher frequency rather than the other way around

“If you are pretending to stay in the moment and you are really in tomorrow, you’re really in tomorrow. So you might as well understand that to the extent that you become your frequency in an aware way is the way that you can transform your behavior.”

- Paul Selig, I Am the Word: A Guide to the Conscious of Man’s Self in a Transitioning Time

My thoughts are choppy, but it’s okay. It doesn’t matter. I don’t mean that in a way to diminish my week - it was truly transformational. But, remembering the details will not make the transformation stick any more than forgetting them will diminish it. This week was not about changing habits by retraining behavior through sheer willpower and discipline. Willpower and determination are my default strategies that I was seeking to disentangle  -- I wanted an awareness of how tricky of a cycle we can find ourselves in if we are not paying attention. 

The fast was meant to shine a light on unconscious behaviors borne out of history and lies emanating from inexplicable origins. In other words, I wanted to become aware and to question all the “shoulds” and the “should nots” that I repeatedly use to define my behavior and that I think will keep me safe. I wanted to invite expansion and allowance to release behaviors from my consciousness that no longer serve me but, rather, keep me small. Paul affirms in his writing: “If you change the behavior but you do not change the consciousness that acts as the catalyst for the behavior, the behavior is really not changed.” No doubt the fast shifted and elevated my consciousness. A fast such as this is certainly not a requirement. However, I do believe our souls do not pass up on an opportunity to grow, mine was ready for a quantum leap. #SelfcareIsMyWork

I shifted my deep anger of having put myself in this unacceptable situation. I forgave myself so that I didn’t further amplify the anger. I released the ideas of what should be and I began to discover that many things I tell myself that are not true. I stopped asking God to give me what I thought I wanted because I feared that I don’t have what I need. Instead, I claimed God’s active presence - in my life and in the situation. God’s presence is not just in my joy and health and when life feels grand and income is flowing. God is also where the bills are, where the lack is, with jobbing, Raindrop and BodyMindBusiness, where the pain is, where my expression is - there is nothing to fix or restore to what was. There is only opportunity to bring the situation into a higher alignment. As God just simply IS. God is always here, the eternal now. As am I - I am here. I am learning through this. I recognize that my current crisis is not about seeing what the Raindrop “vehicle” can do, it's beyond that.

The moral of the story is about recognizing my current situation as a circumstance that holds the potential to transform my life in a positive way.

It is giving me an opportunity to stand in my power (not my willpower but that part of me that is God expressing through me; my true self) throughout the situation and allow the transformation and transmutation of all fears into freedom. #IamFree

Raindrop is an idea. I am focusing less on outcome and trusting myself to align to the highest option through this situation and allow what Raindrop wants to be through me, through us, and through our collective alchemic aristries. #RaindropIsMe

I am lifting my frequency above the pain, above the struggle, above the internal rage. Perhaps the embodied rage masked as a sense of empowerment. I like energy that moves me, but not from this density. It is too hard on me and my body. It has been my go-to, a habit. I am repatterining my need for anger and struggle -- I no longer need these to feel my body and to motivate me to take action. I am acclimating my body to feel a higher frequency and recalibrating it so that I will notice when I fall below this level and can choose again. This way I am setting a new setpoint, something much higher than I have experienced.

Wonder feels good, really good, in my body. Wonder is light and expansive. Wonder aligns me to the possibilities not yet realized. It’s befriending the unknown, calling me to trust at an even deeper level. It’s deeper than the child-like feelings of anticipating what the unknown will bring me, or experiencing the experience itself, and more about who I will become through it all. Like witnessing what or why I take seemingly involuntary actions and ultimately that wonder or inquiry leads to a curiosity full of wonder and awe in my very being. 

I once again stand strong in my non-negotiables and am steadfast in my willingness to trust the unknown; yielding only to divinely guided action. And if someone asks me “WHAT DO YOU THINK, GOD IS JUST GOING TO DROP A BAG OF MONEY ON YOUR FRONT YARD?!”. I will reply “Maybe?” :)

I am choosing to lift my frequency by being full of wonder and in my knowing. I am in my choice. I have choice. I am free to choose in every single moment of every day. So I am. 

I too am curious how this is all going to unfold. May it be a ‘glorious unfolding’! 

Stay tuned. 

It’s going to be good! It is good, as God is good, and in ALL of it. I am word through this intention. Word I am word. :)

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